Secret Mommyhood Confessions–Going a Little Deeper

As I talked about in my post Friday, there are a lot of thoughts running around in my head.  They actually bubbled up last Saturday when I started chatting with Kimberly as I thought about one of my real “confessions” about mommyhood.

I am afraid I am clinging to the depression.  I am afraid I am choosing not to get better.

Now, before you think I have completely come off my rocker, moments after we started this conversation, the anxiety started to climb and I knew in my heart, I am not choosing the depression and anxiety.

But I still wonder what my role is in getting or not better.  Let me explain a bit…

I have had health issues my whole life.  I was born prematurely.  I ended up needing glasses at age 2.  An eye doctor stressed how important it was that my “good” eye be protected.  I can only read out of one, so if it got hurt, he stressed how I would never read again…My child-mind quickly developed an inordinate fear of balls, basketball, soccer, baseball, etc.  If I saw one coming, I instinctively ran away.  It was a true fear.  Based in a health concern.

Then there were various things…I got used to people relating to me in relation to my health issues.  In my teens I developed balance issues.  It was mistakenly attributed to allergies…so I became dependent on shots…when they didn’t help, more tests revealed evidence of Multiple Sclerosis damage in my Central Nervous System.  That disease can be very visible and take over your stinking life.  It was an issue off and on through high school, college and into my working years.  I used a cane in high school and college, was in a wheelchair off and on for several years.  I did 15 hospital stays in 3 years, ranging from 3 days to 4 weeks long.

My (now hubby) and I started dating.  Amazingly, he chose to marry me.  He was willing to take on the risk that was life with me.

Praise the Lord, I went into remission.  We started having children.  I have an amazing midwife that walked and cared through the pregnancies.  Then the postpartum depression came.  As I have mentioned it has been quite a journey.  With so many people supporting and encouraging me.

What happens when the depression is gone?  And the MS is gone?  And I no longer require maternity care of any kind?

My fear is people will no longer care about me.  That I will disappear.  Not from my kids or as a mom.  I know they will always need me and that brings me a great deal of joy.  But to the rest of the world…

I don’t have a career that matters.  I talk too much, feel like I scare people away, been told I don’t know how to have or keep friends, I am abrasive.  And when I am well, people in my life will gladly walk away…I will disappear.

Now please know, I am not at all reflecting on the quality of people in my life.  There are amazing people in my life.  Truly amazing.  They will naturally seek out  others like themselves.

I can understand.  And I don’t judge them in the least.  But it scares me.  I don’t want to disappear.

I want my girls to be proud I am their mom.  I want to be a good witness for my Lord.  I want my husband to feel blessed having me as his wife.

Thankfully, in a long talk to my hubby recently, I found he sees a lot in me.  I am greatly encouraged he loves me enough to want to stay married to me.

But I am afraid of who I am and how to relate to the world well and whole.  Even more afraid that I am keeping myself here in postpartum depression land because of the fear.  Maybe this is my fault.

I am walking a journey to learn about myself.  I am terrified I will find the above to be true–that I will disappear, but I am hopeful my hubby’s view of me is accurate.

I am linking with Kimberly for Mommy’s Secret Confessions.